Now he’s two years old, what kind of young man has Monkey become? Well for one thing he’s certainly our most entertaining Beagle by a country mile. Toss a treat to any of our other Beagles and it’ll be speed-swallowed in less than a second; toss a treat to Monkey, and you’re in for an intense 10 minute play session as he throws it in the air, rolls on it, pretends to pounce on it and basically does everything imaginable with it, except for actually eating it. In fact sometimes he gets so carried away that one of our other Beagles comes along and swipes it from right under his nose.

Aside from the ears and the other overtly doggy characteristics, he looks a lot like a little human boy when he’s got a toy. He really seems to use his imagination as he plays, throwing his toy in the air and then looking away as it lands so that he can pretend that it was thrown by some invisible play partner. I really need to catch some video of him in full flow because I’ve never seen a dog being so inventive as they play.

Monkey is an incredibly gentle, sensitive little soul who is also a complete klutz. For some reason he’s decided that he should never jump onto a sofa in the conventional, front-facing way. Instead he sneaks up by the side of the sofa and leaps up from there, often without knowing if anyone or anything is occupying his landing spot. More than once he’s landed right on my groin – all 18kg of him slamming down paws first onto my joy department – and when I let out an involuntary cry he immediately jumps back onto the floor, clearly very distressed that he’s hurt me. Yes, I actually have to go reassure and apologize to him for reacting when he power-punches my balls. By contrast, whenever Beanie & Biggles hear the sound of a humie in pain they usually raid that humie’s pockets on the assumption that the humie is temporarily less able to fend them off.

I don’t think anyone would describe Monkey as brave – not unless they think that discretion isn’t just the better part of valour, but actually the only part of valour worth considering. While passing other dogs that aren’t quite so friendly Monkey nearly always drops back and puts me between him and the grumpy woofer. Perhaps he took my cautionary words to heart when he was a pup: whenever he approached a sleeping Beanie I would tell him that “there are old Monkeys and there are bold Monkeys, but there are no old bold Monkeys”. I think he’s definitely going for the “old Monkey” life choice.

There is however one less savoury aspect to his personality that I feel I must mention: he’s a raging pervert. In a previous post I already described how he seems to be infatuated with the Beanster despite the massive and inappropriate age gap, but now he’s become obsessed with sniffing any surface that has recently had a bottom on it. It doesn’t matter whether that bottom belonged to a Beagle or a human; if the bottom had an anus and it recently vacated a seat or bed, he’s going to drop whatever he’s doing and go sniff for… well I’m not sure what he’s sniffing for but it doesn’t seem normal to me. That Monkey boy of ours just has no sense of propriety!

Nevertheless Happy Birthday Monkey! Let’s hope you make it to your third birthday without getting arrested!

Beanie had her sixteenth birthday a few days ago and showed that she is still a little madam in full possession of her marbles.

As part of her birthday celebration she received lots of nice edibles: homemade biccies, doggy cupcakes and a special meal. This all went down very well, but it also went to her head.

As is often the case Beanie was highly dissatisfied when the menu returned to normal, and promptly went on a hunger strike. The look on her face when I put a bowlful of common kibble under her nose spoke volumes: “Oh no Dad, princess Beagles don’t eat that muck. Where’s my breakfast pupcake and chicken dinner?”

We’re sufficiently versed in Beanie’s little ways that we were able to stand firm and break her hunger protest after only one missed meal; to be fair it probably helped that three other Beagles were very happily and noisily tucking into their regular food around her while she abstained. Though beaten over the food she still tried some other Beanie-isms on us, including that old classic, the morning bed grab routine. For bed-loving Beagles who don’t know this one, here’s how it goes, and as Mr Miyagi said in The Karate Kid movie: “if do right, there can no defence”.

1. Sound the “Beagle needs the toilet” red alert until one of the humies leaves their bed to open your crate. You don’t have to woof for this one; pawing at the crate door slowly, pathetically and relentlessly can work just as well.
2. Make a show of following them, then while they’re busy turning off the alarm and unlocking the door to the garden, quickly double-back and take their place in the bed before they realize what’s really going on.
3. If there’s still a residual humie in the bed, simply stretch out, keeping your arms and legs as stiff as iron pokers, until the humie moves to accommodate you. Then just move and repeat until the humie is cramped into such an uncomfortable position that they too vacate the bed.

Note that step #2 above becomes much more difficult when you’re sixteen and slow, and the only way you can get into the humie bed is to clamber up the steps they’ve installed for you; nevertheless it can still be done especially if the other Beagles in the house have helped by leaving chews and toys on the floor to mess with those soft, delicate humie feet.

So she may be sixteen and a bit infirm, but she is still very much the naughty little pupplet who came to live with us all those years ago.

Something is definitely going on between Monkey and Beanie, and due to the huge age gap it is somewhat reminiscent of the Jason & Gary sketches in Little Britain.

In doggy terms Beanie is probably old enough to be Monkey’s great-great grandma but it’s clear he fancies her, and it’s a two-way thing. More than once I’ve caught them intently sniffing inside each other’s crates, Beanie openly twerks at Monkey, and on walks its not unsual to find Monkey’s nose glued to Beanie’s bum. Fortunately there hasn’t been any really unseemly hank-panky yet, but it wouldn’t surprise me if one day I walk in on Beanie giving Monkey a thorough humping. It would definitely be that way around, because in our experience of Beagles it’s always the girl who does the humping.

Changing the subject, it’s like someone flicked a switch and we instantaneously moved to Autumn, but just before September ended we got a last taste of summer, and here are the pics to prove it.

And finally: when a 17kg monster Beagle engages in a tug game with a 9.3kg pip-squeak Beagle, who do you think’s going to win?

Yep that’s right – always bet on the pip-squeak!