Saturday Night Horror

Late on Saturday night I noticed that the horror film “Insidious” was on the telly, and I couldn’t resist. Insidious is one of those films that uses suspense, suggestion and lighting to create its chills rather than going down the splat/gore route. Sitting on the sofa in front of the TV, the open door through to our unlit hallway was almost directly behind me. As I was drawn into the film I became acutely aware of noises coming from the darkness to my rear; little things that would normally go unnoticed. A radiator ticking as fresh heated water runs through it. Floorboards creaking ever so slightly. The letterbox flap rapping against its frame as a breeze catches it. And.. a scratching noise coming from the bedroom door! I paused the film and went to investigate, just the way characters do in movies before something bad happens.

As I opened the bedroom door I was met not by some paranormal entity, but by The Bigglet. These days Biggles often gets restless when I stay up to watch a film. He was restless now, and in need of a trip to the garden. I let him out and watched the film a bit more, but his Biggleship’s interruption had completely broken the film’s creepy vibe. Probably not a bad thing if I wanted to avoid nightmares. In due course Biggles woofed to be let back in and I considered letting him sit with me while we watched the remainder of the movie. Unfortunately I smelled the unmistakeable odor of poo on his breath and decided that no, this time he was going straight back to his crate.

After the movie I fell into a surprisingly deep sleep and dreamed that I could smell poo. A short, sharp woof from Biggles’ crate dragged me out of my slumber and I realized that I really could smell poo. There was also a lapping noise coming from his lordship’s crate. It took a couple more minutes before I truly came to my senses and attended to the situation. Apparently Biggles had been “caught short” in the worst way on his bed and had cleaned most of it up, but now he was licking his lips as though he was about to be sick. It was time to act fast! Actually, that’s not true. It had been time to act fast about two minutes ago; now it was just plain too late. I got him about halfway to the bedroom door before he was sick. The bedroom was still in darkness so I just kept him moving through the doorway and turned on the hall light. We headed towards the kitchen and again he was sick. This time I could see it: a small dark pool, maybe three inches across and apparently without any solid matter. I figured it would be an easy cleanup job and continued into the kitchen, releasing Biggles into the garden.

Returning to the hall and the site of the small vomit pool, I was immediately hit by a sickening stench. The night had started with carefully crafted suspenseful chills, but now we were in good old-fashioned splatterfest territory: here was regurgitated, partially digested fecal matter mixed with stomach bile, a Beagle speciality that goes by the name “shitvom”. I put a few sheets of toilet paper over the small pool to begin soaking it up and went to the bedroom to inspect the other vomit site. Turning on the bedroom light, the true horror of the situation hit home. This was no small pool, no easy cleanup job. From the doorway it looked like a large but thin round chocolate cake with various unrecognizable decorations sitting on top.  The smell was so over-powering, so indescribably vile that I simply couldn’t get any closer to it. I went back to the kitchen and grabbed an air freshener.  Squeezing the air freshener’s trigger like an exorcist clutching his cross, I was finally able to approach the shitvom cake and cover it with toilet paper. Lots of toilet paper. So much in fact that when I gained sufficient control over my gagging reflex to scoop it up and into the en suite toilet, the toilet blocked with the first flush. With toilet paper now a non-option, I sacrificed a large fluffy bath towel to get the rest of the “cake” off the carpet while Susan dealt with the smaller incident in the hall.  During all this Biggles had finished his duties outside and was woofing to come in, probably loud enough to wake the neighbors, but we had no choice but to leave him out here. The LAST thing you ever want to do when a Beagle has a shitvom incident is let him approach it, because he’ll lap it right up and you’ll be all set for round two!

Eventually we all got back to bed but sleep did not come easily, due in no small part to the disgusting aroma of air freshener mixed with vomited poo that hung in the air. The following morning the bedroom still smelled funky, and the toilet was still blocked. I poured a full bottle of “Mr Muscle” down it and left it to work. I hope it does the trick because I don’t relish having to go mano-a-mano with that blockage.

Your Beagle may look sweet and innocent.. but don’t be fooled. Be ever watchful, and keep your cleaning cupboard well stocked.

For even a Beagle who is pure in heart and says his prayers by night, may do a shitvom when the wolfbane blooms and the autumn moon is bright.